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What's fresh and new in the life and work of Seska Lee. Week of March 3rd, 2008 Sex
Work and the Bigger Picture Today is the International Sex Workers’ Rights Day. In the past I have taken part in panel presentations on this day to highlight the issues sex workers face. I go out of my way to speak publicly about sex work and my experiences in the porn industry to give a real human face to it. I think that is important. Granted, my experience is but one of millions and I am aware that there are others that have not chosen to be a sex worker for the same reasons I have – though paying the bills is always the bottom line. Just like most everyone else on the planet – that is our main motivation for why we work. - Over at the website Sex in the Public Square an online public forum was held on the issues of sex worker, trafficking and human rights. Interesting points were raised by the contributors, but the piece that resonated most with me was by Stacey Swimme who examined things from a cheap labour perspective. Exploitation of the world’s poor by the capitalists and consumers of the ‘First World” is such a major issue and one that I think needs addressing. I have been thinking and changing my purchasing choices for some time now, but reading about how these choices are part of a bigger picture always helps me stay on track. Some neighbour is emitting fumes. They have either painted their apartment or had their floors done. It stinks. Very badly. It is a shame because it has warmed up a bit and we want to open the windows to get some fresh air in. Instead we get fumes. I bet it is just the tip of a toxic iceberg when it comes to home renovation in apartment living. - I am working at James’ computer because it is more convenient for my blogging work. He is sitting at mine cleaning my mouse and saying ‘and especially rabbits’. Looney Tunes quotes are the best. - This morning I went to the salon-spa for a facial. I would like to get one every change of season but I tend to just get them once a year. It was a lovely experience. It involved a lovely eye mask treatment for the bags under my eyes - which thanks to a little photoshopping, a bunch of make-up and some great lighting tricks they are camouflaged, but believe me I have them. I have had them since I was born. My grade 10 English teacher once said to me as I entered class, “I see you brought some luggage with you today.” Such kindness to the 16 year old soul.) - I spent yesterday evening with Joe. We made enchiladas and watched Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. He had only seen one or two episodes. I tried to explain some of the plot points and characters to him. I only confused him more. I am a horrible re-capper. - Tonight is webcam show night. It is the 1st Tuesday of the month so I will be wearing my glasses. Also used to hide the bags. ;-) Tuesday
March 4th * Méli Mélo is a French term for a mish-mash. Audio
Smut - Postscript I skipped posting an entry yesterday because I was anxious about the Audio Smut radio show. I was flying solo for it and only had a couple of days to put together the show and then host it. I am still relatively new to the collective that produces and hosts the show (about 3 months in) and I still need to have my orientation lesson for the station. So much of the show is new to me and producing one by myself without knowing the tech aspects as well as what resources are available to me was a bit anxiety inducing. Normally, I post on my blog about events and shows, but with my nerves as they were I decided not to advertise the show as heavily as I normally do. Thankfully, my worry was not warranted. I think I put together a pretty decent show (especially given it was my first and that I had to change up the length of the featured interview because a second guest could not be found in time – my first choice was not available and neither was my back-up). My guest was great - Elizabeth Wood the co-founder of Sex in The Public Square. We had a good discussion about the issues that were raised during the online forum on Sex Work, Trafficking and Human Rights. She did an amazing job of presenting what was said and putting them into perspective. Me as a host and interviewer? I did OK. I only made a couple of little mistakes, but nothing that detracted from the show. I am satisfied with myself and look forward to improving my skills. Trying something new and challenging is such a good thing in my opinion. You take a calculated risk and when you experience success your confidence grows. Even when you experience failure you can learn from it and grow. Experience and knowledge are such useful things in being a fulfilled and actualized human being. I am so glad I am given (and that I seek out) such opportunties in my life. You can listen to the show here and we have just launched a new blog for the show here. We will be adding links and information in the days and weeks to come. I also want to choose a different theme. I am not digging my first choice. Dream
a Little (Weird) Dream
Oh dear, what odd dreams I had last night! First, a burlesque show dream. I was taking part in someone else’s show. It was a busy and disorganized backstage environment and I had no idea when I was on. There was no set list. I was prepared though. I had a few costumes with me as well as songs. The organizer was not on top of things. I just went on when I felt like it. I did three numbers in the first set and then realized I had no numbers left for the second. The organizer started to get her act together at that point and there was some order. I rushed around to put another number together and somehow improvised a Hawaiian number. I have no idea how to properly hula but in the dream I managed just fine. My costume was fabulous and I used some sort of Elvis song that really does not exist. What made the dream extra stressful though was that I had blonde hair (not a good colour for me). I was trying to put it up in Victory Rolls when a big chunk came out. I was able to style it so it would not show, but it was still rather traumatizing. Blonde and balding! Very scary for me indeed. Then I woke up for a few minutes and when I fell back asleep I slipped into another odd dream. This one involved living in a dormitory. It seems I was not myself in this dream. I am not sure if I was going to college or simply living on campus. In the dream I had my own bedroom but the kitchen was shared with other roommates. The kitchen was beyond disgusting and dangerous. There was a gas oven that was such a fire hazard (flames everywhere) and it was also on a moving train. Just the kitchen. Every other room was normal. Dreams are so weird. The other odd aspect of the dream was that I was dating a guy from this season of Survivor - Joel, the big, aggressive, mean brute! I do not find him the least bit my type, but in the dream he was kind and lovely and we had great sex. We had a king size bed and the sheets were lovely. We’d kiss and romp around all over it. The dream ended with me then finding a dog to foster and taking him for a walk before heading back to the dorm hoping to renovate the crazy kitchen and having more sex. But I woke up for good before I could do either. I am still having a bit of a laugh about it all this morning. This
Time a Serious Sex Themed Dream Clearly I have a bee in my bonnet about the current state of porn because I had a dream about it. In the dream I had a discussion about how I thought so many porn producers, in search of financial profit, were exploiting sexual shame without a thought of the consequences to individuals and society as a whole. Yikes! Pretty serious stuff for a dream. Week of March 10th, 2008 I am writing this in the late hours of the night. I spent the day working on a webmastering project. I spent the afternoon and evening resizing photos, creating thumbnails, setting up galleries, checking links – the usual webmaster-y kind of stuff. It is for a non-porn project. I like to keep things interesting and doing little jobs like this one keeps me on my toes, keeps the creative juices following – and it helps out a friend. Good times. - One of the reasons I worked long and hard today was I was in no mood to go outside. I had thought about going running but the roads are quite the mess because of the most recent snowstorm. Many streets have not properly cleared the sidewalks so you have to hop from spot to spot or take to the streets. Definitely not conducive to running. Not good for strolling to the store either. James had to run some errands and told me the snow banks are so high in some places you cannot even find the sidewalks. Pedestrians take a hit during storms. SO dangerous! - Friends and acquaintances are in Austin for SXSW Interactive and I have been following along via Twitter. I went last year and had the best of times. The energy at the event is like no other – so positive, so dynamic. I was not able to attend this year but I am going to do my darnedest to attend next year. - So the whole Eliot Spitzer thing is getting a lot of airplay. I wonder what the ladies on The View will have to say about. I tune in sometimes to get a sense of what the ‘Minivan Majority’ are exposed to with regards to current events (wow, did Elizabeth Hasselbeck not get it this morning when she spoke about her concern that Barak Obama belonged to a church that encouraged Black community unity – she definitely sees the world through her own privileged lens). But back to the Eliot Spitzer affair. It seems every news programme is taking advantage of the story and looking for whores to talk about the situation. Yes,I said whores. That was the term used by the producer for MSNBC’s Live with Dan Abrams when asking Audacia Ray if she’d be a guest on the show. Definitely check out her write up of the conversation. Live
Webcam Show Tonight
Tuesday
March 4th I had a horrible night of sleep. I might have mentioned before that I suffer from sleep disturbances. It happens most nights but it does not interfere with my sleep every night. I suppose I go through phases of intensity. It usually occurs during the first hour of sleep. It usually involves me talking in my sleep. I am sometimes half aware of what I am saying. Usually I wake up or realize that I am talking after I have been doing it for a few moments. In this weird state I �see� things as well. Usually it is a misperception of objects in the room such as a lamp, the blinds, a picture on the wall. I see them but my brain makes them out to be other things or people. These visions have changed over the years. About ten years ago I used to see spiders on the wall (a crack or speck on the wall would become an insect). I�d wake up James and point them out. After getting the words out I�d realize I was just seeing things and apologize. After a few times James learned to just ignore me. One time I ordered him to get �the little books� out of the closet. He did not see them. I got up and angrily pointed at them. Obviously, there were no books. Right after I pointed I woke up and realized it was just my imagination. I suppose I could go to a sleep clinic to investigate these disturbances. I am a little intimidated by the prospect of lying in a bed exposed and attached to sensors and wires. I wonder if I could even sleep in such a situation. I like to sleep on my stomach. Can one sleep in that position while being monitored? I am also worried about what I will say and do while being monitored. It could be very embarrassing. Has anyone been treated at a sleep clinic? How about sleep disturbances? Anyone else suffer from them? Week of March 17th, 2008 Hello bright, sunny Monday morning. It looks like you are well. I am doing fine. Yesterday was a day of recovery. I had gone out very late Saturday night - shared a bottle of wine and some long missed conversation with LJ and then went out to a late show with her and my friend Rita. I got home at 6am and consequently spent much of Sunday in bed. When I got up I watched a Hilary Duff movie that was playing on the youth channel. Just the right amount of mental stimulation for a sleepy head like me. I also played phone catch up with various friends and family members and touched up my pedicure.
And now with that easy day behind me and a good night of sleep in me (I think there were no sleep disturbances last night – no major ones anyway) I am looking ahead to the week and figuring out what I will be doing. On my to-do list: meeting with my Team Burlesque co-founders to prepare for Thursday’s Salon Officiel gig, data entry of all my receipts for the 2007 tax year, run at least 3 times this week, shoot and post a videoblog entry for this week, and work on the show I am producing for Stella 13th anniversary.
live
webcam show The day started off a bit slow. I was able to get a blog entry done but then I felt myself gravitating to the couch. I was lying there hoping for motivation to come to me when Miss Sugarpuss called to say she was going to the gym would I join her before we met with L.Diablo for a burlesque meeting. I scrambled to get a bag together. This winter I have been doing at home strength training and going on runs for my workouts. My gym supplies were all packed away. When she came by to pick me up I thought I had gathered everything. Nope, I hadn’t. After putting all my stuff in my locker and getting my iPod Shuffle on I realized I had no shoes. So we rushed back to my place got my shoes and returned to the gym. We both got an intense combo cardio/strength training workout in 60 minutes. I felt great. Our meeting went well. We got quite a bit of brainstorming done for our next show (this Thursday at Salon Official), as well as talked about some future plans (spring time shows and possible Montreal Fringe Festival appearance as a special event). Afterwards, I met up with Joe and we went out for supper at a downtown Mexican restaurant. He is off to Toronto again for a few weeks so I wanted our evening to be a little special. Supper was great. I ate a lot and was rather stuffed. But instead of going home and crashing I thought it best to stay out a bit more so we went for a drink and listened to some jazz (it was an open mic night and quite fun). We got back to his place at around midnight and snuggled in bed, chatting quite a bit before getting intimate. It was nice and cozy in his bed – even though I find his mattress unsatisfactory – Joe makes up for it by giving me the best pillows. The morning was spent much the same way and then we made a late breakfast (or early lunch) of leftovers and watched The Darjeeling Limited. We both really like Wes Anderson’s stuff and for me this film did not disappoint. I love the visuals, the pacing and the characters.
No other way to describe the situation. OK, I am sure there are others, but that is what I have chosen as I write today’s entry. What’s is that has got me down? The cancellation of my latest Team Burlesque show. In early February we had a meeting with the owner of a bar to book a monthly show beginning in March. It was to be the third Thursday of the month. I wrote the dates down in my agenda. Then in late February we performed there for their 1 year anniversary. The owner said she’d see us next month. All was set and arranged. Team Burlesque met to develop new numbers for an Easter time show. We spent money on costuming especially for this show. We met again to rehearse the numbers. Then I called to confirm the exact time she wanted us there (that sometimes changes) and the owner said she forgot she had booked us and had another evening planned for that night. I had called and left a message the day before. Even knowing just one extra day ahead that she forgot our booking would have saved us time and money. So I am bummed.
I went for a great run today. It was a little tricky as some of the sidewalks are icy and others are slushy. Even some are a mix of the two. A few are clear and dry, but a precious few. Still, I enjoyed myself. The temperature was about 3 degrees Celsius and I only had to wear a polar fleeced top over a long sleeve shirt – no long johns, no face guard. Maybe spring is around the corner – not the calendar date of spring – that I know is today. I am speaking of the snow melting to expose the heaps of dog poop and sad looking grass. I made a pretty tasty supper tonight. James had a hankering for some chicken nuggets. It is extremely unusual for him to think about, much less crave, an animal based food. Still, it got me to thinking about some little tofu nuggets that are super easy to make. Just breaded them up and fry them. I don’t eat fried foods very much so I don’t mind indulging in them from time to time – especially since I started using coconut oil which has a higher heating point that other oils. Tonight I served them with some steamed green beans, mashed potatoes and some dipping sauce (one homemade – maple-dijon sauce). Here is a pic. Sorry for the poor quality. I am not a foodie photographer or blogger. :-(
Tonight is a hockey night. James is watching the Habs versus the Bruins (oh! I just missed two good goals by the Habs!). I am supposed to join him on the couch to view it. Instead, I am surfing the Net in hopes of finding good resources to improve my graphic and website design skills and writing up this blog entry. I’ll finish up blogging and head over for the 3d period. It will be good to have a break.
* Méli Mélo is a French term for a mish-mash. I am at a place in my life where I know I do not know it all. There is still much for me to learn. When I look back at my teens and twenties I see how I should have taken certain things more seriously and others things less so. I should have listened more. I feel this humility now in my thirties. While I feel very comfortable in my skin and confident in my choices, I also know from past experience that something or someone can come along and tip my boat over or at least send some waves my way. I know that there a great many people out there who knowingly or not have lessons to teach me. I don’t have any skeletons in my closet. I don’t have things to cover up or lie about. What I do have are regrets and shame for some things I have done, people I have hurt. I am not a malicious person, but I can be selfish and insensitive and my words and deeds have hurt people’s feelings – sometimes though this hurt is a reflection of their own issues, one’s that have little to do with me. Still, I played a role in bringing about the pain. I have been on the receiving end of this as well. I think we all have. With this perspective I try not to be too hard on my self. If I can forgive others for past grievances, I should be able to forgive myself. These acts of forgiveness
do not happen in one shot. I find that they occur slowly over time
as we heal damage from long ago. Sometimes we will experience a new
infliction of pain and it will remind us of an older one. Memories
spring forth and we seem to relive that old pain even if we had thought
we had processed it. A little more forgiveness must occur. It is
not a straight forward process, this moving on stuff.
have you forgiven today? | semi permalink Week of March 24th, 2008 I got up too early this morning. I wish I could have slept in. My body follows its own clock regardless of the late nights. You�d hope it would listen to the fatigue. Oh well. Now it is bedtime and I still feel the effects of the lack of sleep. I didn�t get a nap in so I am tired but I also feel wired. An odd mix. Today I ate well (have been doing that consistently over the last few weeks - lots of vegetables and even a few fruits!). I didn�t get any exercise in (I am back into running big time), but I did some work - answered emails, did some site traffic work, and met with Miss Sugarpuss to develop the show we are creating for Stella�s 13th Anniversary. I am very excited about it. It will have three acts and give a historical overview of Montreal�s Red Light district through song, dance, burlesque, pantomime and monologues. It is a bit ambitious but given our experience with writing and producing a brand new play a month for three months with our Serial Burlesque project I think this one will be fine. We have an amazing amount of source material and a motivated group of performers. There will be less to memorize (in terms of both text and choreography). Miss Sugarpuss is a bit intimated about participating in a sex work oriented show (it is the by and for sex workers thing). Perhaps not for reasons you might expect. She does not want to intrude on our space. She feels like an outsider to our experiences. She does not judge sex work or sex workers, but as someone not part of the sex industry does not want to come off as a burlesque snob. She is a compassionate person and I explained to her that all human rights movements need allies. Yes, it is important that they be driven by those most directly affected, but we also need people who actively support us and we gladly accept those people here in Montreal in the sex worker community. I think that made her feel better and even more committed to her participation with the show than she already was. I know I am so happy to have her as a partner on this project. We make such a good team and I am happy that she wants to be a part of my world. Live
Webcam Show Tonight
Tuesday
March 25th Last night’s webcam show was quite a lot of fun. I was in a bit of a silly mood. Earlier in the evening I took part in a bootcamp style workout class. It reminded me of a high school gym class more than an army experience, but the trainer sure did push me and the circuit training we did was very intense for my level of fitness. I was exhausted by the end of the class, but also terribly pleased that I made it through. I suppose the endorphins were flowing rather heavily because I felt all giddy and buzzed when I got home. A sense of blissful energy took me over. I felt incredibly sexy as I did my make-up (used more eyeliner than usual and when I gave myself a quick look over in the mirror before going on cam I noticed how my turquoise top exposed my collarbone and hugged my breasts. Yes, I definitely was feeling sexy. I had a nice crowd for the show – a mix of new and regular viewers. I chatted a bit before getting down to the business of masturbation. The workout definitely had an impact on more than my mood. Each touch and caress I gave myself triggered some very specific and intense pleasure in me. My first orgasm was incredible, even more powerful than usual. Partly perhaps because I was so focused and aware of each bodily sensation my pelvic and abdominal areas. Like usual I also engaged in a little fantasy thinking with this time sending my sexual energy to someone I had been thinking about. Not sure if that ever has actually been received but I like the idea of transmitting lust that way so I do it if only to encourage my own sexual feelings. At around 9:30pm James joined me fresh from his shower. I gave him head and we fucked a bit. I was using my favourite lube for handjobs during this show so I thought it appropriate to give him one. At first he was lying down and I was in the perfect position to give him pleasure (more contact on the back of his cock), but we need to switch things up if I was to jerk him off to orgasm and have the result hit my breasts and face rather than make a mess on my hand. Unfortunately my directional skills are very much lacking so his come hit mostly my top, my neck and my ear. It was quite funny. We cleaned up a bit and then engaged in a little Doggy Chat (you might have seen us do this on HBO) and ended things with a great handjob for me. I sat on James’ lap with my legs spread he played with my lips and clit while I kissed him and enjoyed myself. Quite blissful indeed. Highlighting the Bound Not Gagged coverage of the Elliot Spitzer matter, a hip-hop video blog about the hypocrisy over ‘Kristen’ as a sex worker and singer, and some of my thoughts on the Diane Sawyer hosted 20/20 show on prostitution.
Windows Media 15.7mb - 3:24min Websites mentioned in this entry: Bound Not Gagged - on Eliot Spitzer, Diane Sawyer 20/20 Prostitution in America Ill Doctrine's video blog on the music industry's response to Ashlely Alexander Dupre (Kristen) Week of March 31st, 2008 I am out of town this week visitng a friend and as such I will not be doing my weekly webcam show. usually I try to schedule my travels around my shows but this time it could not be avoided. However, I will make up the show next week. I will do my regular Tuesday show on April 8th as well as another one on a different day and time. Any requests for the timing of the second show? In other news I had a semi-eventful weekend. I did a tonne of data entry for my taxes! I completed all but three categories. James still has to finish going through his receipts so when I get home I will finish up the job. Besides sitting at my computer and entering info into spreadsheets (while listening to upbeat music, I might add) I also took part in a themed sexy party held by Cirque du Boudoir. Miss Sugarpuss was the MC and I assisted her in a demonstration for the crowd. The party was a kinky 1980s prom and she was the chaperone. I did find it amusing that the crowd was quite young and clearly had been toddlers during that era. Some missed the mark a bit with their costumes. Some references were prom appropriate but not 80s (a Carrie re-enactment of sorts). Nevertheless, the tunes were good and the crowd fun and enthusiastic. Lots of cute queer and kinky people dancing up a storm. I just got back from a stripclub. I don’t tend to go to them when I am in Montreal but I like to check them out when I am out of town. Tonight’s visit had a particular purpose. I was with a new acquaintance and we were talking about going out for a drink. Across the street there were two possibilities. The first a pub and the other a stripclub. I had been hanging out with men all day so I thought the stripclub would provide me with some girlie energy because a quick look at the pub told me there were no ladies in that place. On the other hand, the stripclub would obviously have women in it. They’d all be working, but that was sufficient for me. The bonus of course was that they’d be naked and swaying and sashaying on the stage. With my eyes I would be able to take in their girlie energy, brazen and powerful, and balance things out a little for myself. When I think about sex and sexual arousal I tend to stay away from the pejorative. While I appreciate the allure of the taboo, the attraction to being naughty, I tend to be drawn to descriptors of sex that express excitement and enthusiasm in a positive way – like fun, wild, passionate, and lustful. So where does the adjective dirty fit in I wonder? Is it a word with a negative connotation towards sex? Is it laced with judgement? Rachel Kramer Bussel, editor of the book Dirty Girls: Erotica for Women does not think so and based on her arguments I agree with her. The book, Rachel says, features stories that represent the depth and breadth of women’s desires. “’Dirty’ doesn’t always mean depraved , either; these stories aren’t all wham-bam-thank-you-sir (or ma’am) quickies. Many of them evoke the intensity of emotion that sex can bring with it, the ways having a lover know you literally inside and out can throw your life completely off balance, as if they can read your soul like a map, using fingers, toys, tongues, and cocks to navigate you until they own your internal compass. The thrill of giving yourself over to someone, of giving up control for that deliciously delirious sensation of pure erotic adrenaline, surfaces through out this collection.”
After reading her introduction and perusing the stories I very much appreciate how being dirty is about an intensity and a drive for exploring and satisfying lust regardless of whether a woman has one lover, many or none. It is about women’s complexities, the sexual turn-ons that consume us regardless of how we choose to use them in our lives (fantasy, fiction, or real-life fulfillment). If you read yesterday’s entry about my trip to a stripclub you can see an example of living this dirty girl life – not because I did anything taboo or bad but because I willingly and purposefully experienced something sexy in both thought and deed. |
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