One of our articles featuring the latest in sexual information, research and advice.

Let’s Talk About Sex Baby!
Seska Lee

In most of the west we have something that author John Ince calls the “sexual hush”. We don’t like to talk about sex except in sensationalist and negative ways or we just don’t talk about it at all (even if we do “it”).

It starts when we are young. Most children can name their body parts, but don’t learn the proper names for their genitals. This is especially the case with female genitals. Even among teenagers, large numbers are unable to accurately label sex organs. As people get older it does not get much better. Many men and women have vague notions of female genitalia (or as some people call it “down there). The key area of female pleasure, the clitoris, is often neglected because people cannot find where it is. I have girlfriends who have had the unfortunate experience of having a guy poke at their urethra thinking it was the clitoris.

There is also a great deal of misinformation about sexual health and well being. The Kinsey Institute reported that only 20% of American adults could give correct answers to twelve of eighteen questions about sexuality (i.e. normal penis size, how AIDS is contracted and when females can get pregnant). This lack of knowledge plays a big role in the risky choices we often make.

As children we rarely got comprehensive sex education from schools or from our parents. I got the “bird and bees” talk as a kid (and was obsessed with this beautiful little book I had about how females get pregnant). I also remember when I was a teenager that my father told me “boys don’t get pregnant” before I went away for a fully supervised weekend at my male friend’s ski chalet. I think my parents did well over all but I am also thankfull that I was an inquisitive teen. I did a lot of reading on my own (my favourite book being The Teenage Body Book by McCoy & Wibbelsman) and that helped me make some good and safe decisions and see sex as a positive and healthy part of who I am.

However, most of the public discourse we have about sex is negative: disease, unwanted pregnancy, abuse, and assault. We seem to forget that sex offers willing participants great pleasure and it has many benefits (i.e. arousal and orgasm can be a good pain reliever, promotes nurturing and affection, and reduces stress). Sex is still shrouded in shame and guilt.

So with all this baggage what are we supposed to do? How can we talk about sex and get the most out of it? Here are a few tips.

1. Inform yourself. Learn all you can about sexual arousal and response. You probably have a good sense at what gets you off, but why not discover or re-discover how it all comes about. Understanding how the physical response of sexual arousal and orgasm occurs (in both men and women) will help you deal with any problems that may come your way.

2. Explore your body. The key to having good sex with a partner is having good sex with you. When you know what you like you are in a much better position to ask for it of someone else.

3. Don’t make fun of or judge when someone (especially your partner) shares something personal about sex. Sure, some things are meant as a joke. A friend told me about how she was having sex on the kitchen counter and then accidentally spilled some Draino – that was funny and we laughed together. However, sometimes a friend or partner is looking for acceptance not laughs when she/he tells you something. It can be scary sharing something personal. Keep that in mind.

4. Sexual activity has risks, such as sexually transmitted infections and unwanted pregnancies, so you need to be able to discuss them. Don’t expect these issues to be handled by themselves. Talk about it before you get too far. At the very least you need to able to say, “let me get a condom from my bag”.

5. Talk about the good stuff. Use words, sounds and actions to let your partner know that you are enjoying yourself. Talk about the joys of sex in and out of the bedroom.